getting off my Couch

The first three months of marriage we feel into a really unattractive trap. The TV trap. We have reached a completely acceptable and livable place with our house and the cold weather precludes us from working on anything outside. We don’t have a wedding to plan or deal with anymore. Basically we are home free for a while! So we go to work, and we work and then we come home and I promptly set myself down in front of the TV and become wholly absorbed. I then sit there mindlessly for the next 3-4 hours and do nothing and consider anything that takes me attention away from the TV an unacceptable nuisance. Wow, Collin is SUPER lucky he married me right?

Anyway, for all of you out there that haven’t come across this yet I just want to warn you watching TV for 3-4 hours a night is not a good way to make your new marriage flourish.

Collin got tired of it. And he should be tired of it. So what did we do? We joined our local YMCA.  I was initially very scared of the Y because I imagine hundreds of unruly screaming children rushing the halls and breaking my eye drums (did I mention I’m not ready to have kids?). Much to my joy I have yet to be trampled by a wild herd of screaming children; I actually haven’t seen a single yelling/screaming child to date! Winning. So we’ve been visiting the YMCA together. Exercising, lifting, swimming and hot tubing are much more conducive to bonding than say watching TV.

Are you having a challenging marriage day? Are you questioning what husbands are even for? Mine is for getting me off the couch and disconnecting me from our TV. He is making me get a better life. Thanks husband o’ mine.

HoNeYmOoN

We are finally going on our honeymoon! Better late than never. We decided on the Cayman Islands because we are sick of looking and my only requirements were sun and beach. I’m very excited. We don’t leave until January 12^th, but I want to start packing now. Yippee!

Amid my excitement and asking for time off at work something weird arose. My employer offered to buy our plane tickets with company miles. Very nice. I called Collin at work to ask, “what up yo? You wanna go to Cayman’s for only the cost of the hotel” (I’m super cool and whatnot – do cool people say “whatnot”?) He said it was up to me since it was my employer. At first, I was super stoked about the offer. Then as it set in, not so much. The more I thought about it, the more “bought” I felt. I don’t want to owe my employer any more than my wage requires. I will willingly do more work and perform better than the set expectations for my position but I want to do that of my own accord, not because I owe someone something. Then I started to worry about my co-workers resenting me or thinking I was being favored if word got out that I got such an awesome freebie; and I’m not good at lying or hiding things so it would probably get out.

The inner brain fight between not paying $1300 and being staunchly independent and free can be pretty epic. I honestly LOVE saving money; like borderline obsessed with putting money in savings. So taking money out to spend on something as “frivolous” as a vacation is REALLY difficult for me. I say frivolous because you don’t get anything tangible out of a vacation. I know, you get memories, rest and relaxation but you can’t point at those things and be like, “look here it is, the thing I spent thousands of dollars on”. So I struggle with spending money; I can talk myself out of any purchase. There was angst and gnashing of teeth and trying to talk secretively with my family on the phone while at work to see if they considered it “selling my soul”. One text to Collin read, “You think $1300 is a fair price for freedom and independence?” Meaning a fair price for us to pay so I would still feel free and independent.

We bought the tickets ourselves. I’m not sure if I’ll feel regret when I look at our savings account; but I doubt it. We can always save more money. Who knows how long the guilt of having an employer pay for our tickets would’ve taken to dig out?

So we are going to the Caymans for our belated honeymoon.

I would write something more or better but I have to go pack my new swimsuit!!

Lovin’ Mr. Darcy

Is this who you think of when you hear Mr. Darcy?

I just finished re-reading Pride and Prejudice for the 3^rd time. I love that book hard. But I have some beef with Ms. Jane Austen. Her book messed me up when I was young. And I would argue it has the potential to mess up thousands of young women. Have you noticed the Mr. Darcy character has pretty much become a stock character in popular books and movies? There are tall, dark handsome, snarky men-and they suddenly turn into lovely, adoring partners when they find the right woman (only after overcoming some great obstacle in their relationship, obviously) in all the books and movies.

My Teenage brain internalization of Pride and Prejudice:

Ohhhh goody! I met a pale, tall, dark stranger. He has a lot of money and comes from a prestigious family. He is awfully sarcastic and looks down on people. Yes! He will fall in love with me and see how wonderfully smart and witty I am and I will make him a better person for it! He loves me so much that he won’t be snarky and disrespectful anymore. He is so very smart!

Reality realized (5 years later):

This guy is basically an asshole. He will never think I’m good enough. He is so full of himself that he talks down to me and ignores me. He is snarky to everyone – including me. He is disrespectful to my family. He will never change and I am not capable of making him change. Apparently my wit and charm are not as powerful as I thought.

What can I say? Teenage brains are impressionable. You could reasonably surmise that Kourtney Kardashian fell for the ol’ Mr. Darcy theory too. I really fear that with the prevalence of Mr. Darcy characters in popular culture we are developing entire generations of women that long for handsome, cold, dismissive, snarky men in the hopes that their love will alter these men.

It was a painful lesson. One I’m glad I learned. I didn’t marry a Mr. Darcy. Collin is definitely more of a Mr. Bingley. He is joyful and happy and completely in love without having to agonize over it. Everything turned out ok for Elizabeth. But in my personal experience if a guy is a jerk-face to start with he isn’t going to be any better later. If someone treats other people badly it is a matter of time before he treats you badly too.

My beef is actually with copy-cats that have made the Mr. Darcy character so pervasive. Maybe I could have shrugged it off if I had only been exposed to this idea one. Can we get a new male character?

Did anyone else have Mr. Darcy attraction complex?  Did you marry a Mr. Darcy? Have you ever successfully changed someone, the way Mr. Darcy changed for Elizabeth?

doin’ at all wrong

Have you ever done something that is so ingrained you don’t have to think about doing it? Obviously yes. Chewing, breathing, walking – all that stuff you figured out way long ago.

Second question, does your brain ever glitch while you are doing that stuff?

Mine glitched when I went to use the whiz palace today. I went in the bathroom at work and started to sit down on the toilet and inside my brain I hear, “ACCKK you’re doing it wrong!!”. It really confused me. What was I doing wrong? I went through a quick mental checklist (while still hovering in a position my quads find unacceptable).

Am I in the right bathroom? Yes, this is the women’s bathroom.

Did I pull my pants down? Yep sure did.

Am I attempting to sit on a toilet and not some other sitting device, i.e. a chair or sofa. Yep, definitely a toilet.

That’s all the requirements for peeing right? Akk. Why does my brain think I’m doing this wrong?!?

It was a confusing minute for sure. I was a little thrown off by it. I went back to my office and googled “brain deterioration”. Google why are you less comforting than a cactus? I don’t think my brain is breaking down on a cellular level and I am slowly losing my ability to do the VERY basic things I’ve done for the past 24 years. Right? It’s not, it’s not. It’s just all that newlywed love and house renovations and halloween candy have pushed out some of the less important things, like knowing how to pee.

Does your brain ever glitch about very common, every day activities? Please say yes.

Halloween

Remember when I was being all whiney and “I don’t fit anywhere; I’m in a crack“? Well I recently tried to glue that crack together. I was going to jam it together and glue with the magic of a Halloween party. Great idea right? Totally. I’m a genius. Parties solve all kinds of problems. So I started planning and I made my sister start planning and I got excited.

Then I went away for the weekend and came home and Collin admitted that he didn’t want to have a party. His point was that of the 800-ish square feet our house has for use, only about 400 hundred is really available for partying at this point. (We have a room dubbed the “pink room” because it has pink walls. It is basically an indoor dump for things we don’t know what to do with or don’t have space for but can’t bear to part with. It’s super classy and a complete waste of space – especially if you are trying to force a party). So my logical husband pointed out a party without spaces to sit or really do anything might not be conducive to partying. In an unsettling familiar scenario I had to un-invite the few people who already knew about it. (I’m afraid we are going to be known as the “un-invitors. First our wedding, now a Halloween party.) Luckily I didn’t tell too many people; I could sense Collin’s hesitation.

After we canceled it I was pretty sad. Not because we canceled it but because I was trying so hard, I was desperate to make a space for us in the social realm. We didn’t get invited to the Halloween party we usually go to. I understand the not being invited; it is a party thrown by a friend of a friend’s family. But we usually go, but this year no party and it makes me sad. I desperately want things to be exactly the same as they were before we got married; but they are not. Things are different, they are. Our familiar acquaintances, and even some of our closer friends view us as significantly changed because we are married; I’m afraid the perception is: married = automatically not fun. And frankly I’m too freakin’ tired to do the work of proving that we are fun. If I want to have fun I will, but I’m not going to go out of my way to act ridiculously fun to prove that married people are fun too.

So here is my take away: there is nothing wrong with building a space for your new baby family to fit into your chosen social realm. But it goes crazy wrong when you do it out of desperation; plus it makes you feel like a total loser. Maybe we won’t get rip-roaring drunk this Halloween, maybe we won’t even dress up – would it be depressing or funny to both get dressed up and then just stay home together? Part of my journey as a newlywed is accepting things have changed and figuring out how to navigate other people’s’ expectations of married folks.

As a bonus for you because you listened to my long diatribe, here is a picture of us from last Halloween. We were Amish for Halloween. You’re welcome!

seriously. how do you not want to party with us?

am i a bee-word?

I’m seriously stuggling. I think I might just be a b-word. There is someone in my life that drives me crazy. I deal with this person on a daily basis. And some days I find myself grinding my teeth – a new and disturbing habit. I’m making lists of all the benefits my current situation provides so I can see that this one person is not ruining what I have. I

How do you change your natural teeth-nashing response to someone? I’m not sure how much of my annoyance is real and how much has just snowballed into being a crazy person. Like are the things I’m annoyed with reasonable things to be annoyed at? We will obvisoulsy never be friendsSometimes when I talk to this person it goes well and I think, “gee maybe I’m just a cranky-mean a-hole”. Then sometimes I talk to this person and I am literally left speechless because of some of the stuff that is said. Stunned. Here is an example of an exchange I would like to forget.

The person: “I’m so excited my Dad is coming visit”.

Me: ”Oh yeah. That’ll be nice”.

The person: “He is really hot. I can’t wait for you to see him”.

Me: blank stare

The person: “He could be married to a super-model and give her everything she wants”

Me: …..

 

I’m an adult. I know I can’t change anything about this person, so I need to change myself. How would you do this? How do you reconstruct your brain? I came up with a plan to go home and tell Collin one nice thing about this person and thereby change my thinking and put a positive spin on things. It worked, for a while – until one bad day and then I came off the tracks and ranted and raved about things that were not nice. Also my brain kept wanting to use back-handed compliment*. So I’m thinking not only should I make myself say one nice thing to Collin about this person. I should say one nice, encouraging thing to this person every day.

I really do want to change and fix this situation because it is a situation I am stuck in for the forseeable future; and frankly I am only making myself miserable. Oh and I don’t want to be known as a b-word. Thoughts? Suggestions? Medication recommendations?

 

*In 8th grade our sunday school teacher gave us and example of a back-handed comment: “you don’t sweat much for a fat girl”. Real cool. I fully grasped the meaning of a back-handed compliment.

a crack in my social skillz

Real life friends are tough for me right now. I’ve entered a phase in my life that can only be described as “nesting” (I’m not pregnant – in any shape way or form. not even with joy or any of that malarkey); all I want to do with my free time is stay home and be cozy in our home which is becoming more likable every day. I literally don’t want to go anywhere. I just want to be in our warm, safe home with my puppy and my husband. So the whole not wanting to leave the house is making my social scene bleak.

There’s another problem. I’ve fallen in a crack in friend land. I have a lovely, lovely neighbor that wants to make friends but I am scared that we won’t get on and then it’ll be so very awkward living across the street from each other. This neighbor is married. Like WAY married – she has a beautiful family that includes children. (Kids still freak me out a significant amount).

The people I have accumulated in my life and label as friends are not married. I love my friends very much, but as a newlywed I don’t feel like staying out until 2 a.m., being wasted and watching my friends flirt with men would be constructive for my new marriage. Let me be clear that this is in no way a judgment on anyone’s lifestyle. I get partying and I get being a stay at home mommy. The crack is between the 2 a.m. bar time and putting your kids to bed; I’m in between those phases.

Where do I fit? Where are my people? The people who like to have fun in a relaxed, non-beer-pong kind of way but that can stay out until midnight without a mad panic about a baby sitter. I feel a bit trapped and isolated. However, in my experience isolation usually comes from within not the outside people. I’m thinking the problem is in my head, not my actual friend set. I should be bolder and gutsier about making friends. Making new friends freaks me right out. I think I might have a mild social anxiety disorder or something. I dread talking to people. Okay wait, that sounds like a pretty serious social anxiety disorder. Rest assured that if we ever met in real life I would be awkward and have sweaty palms. Maybe that’s why I LOVE you bloggy people so much. You can’t shake my sweaty, social anxiety palms – kidding. You interact with me when you want to and I read about your life while self-indulgently writing about my own life. Interaction based on free will and not guilt!

Are you good at making friends? Some people are bubbly and enthusiastic about it and then some of us get sweaty at the thought of having to talk.

holidays

The fog has rolled in this morning; and the weather has turned. Coats are now required attire.

All the changes make it seem like the holidays are almost here. And they are almost here, Thanksgiving is 5 weeks away. So one of the things about being married is that you now have to share your holidays betwixt families. Collin and I were debating the pros and cons of each situation. He could watch football if we go to his parents’ for Thanksgiving – there is no TV watching at my parents on Thanksgiving. My family definitely eats more food on Thanksgiving (my family eats all day, noon, 3 and 6 – I assumed everyone did this. I’m not sure I need to point out the obvious but you get more food this way.) If we went to Collin’s parents we would be home in our own bed by that night and we would get the whole weekend to do whatever we wanted! Where ever we go for Thanksgiving we will go to the other family’s home on Christmas.

We are leaning towards Collin’s family for Thanksgiving (this guy really likes football). It makes me a tinsy bit sad because I worry that my parents will be sad. I love my family (thanks captain obvious) and I love our holiday traditions. But part of being a new family (as patiently explained to me by my Dad when I said I didn’t think Collin and I need to be together for Thanksgiving) is building traditions together, and those traditions will usually incorporate some aspect of our familes’ traditions.

So how did you deal with the holidays as newlyweds? Strategies? Tips for survival? I know one woman who spent the first Christmas day with her in-laws crying off and on in the bathroom because she missed her family so much. Ouch.

sleeping

About 75% of the time I get back in bed before I leave for work. I hurry and get ready (much to the chagrin to my coworkers – “is her hair even combed?”) so I can get a few more minutes with Collin.

Those minutes are mind-calming and peace bringing.

I crawl back under the heavy covers and inch as close to him as I can without ruining his sleep. He is warm and peaceful, untouched by the morning’s harsh cold newness. Us two together exactly as we are, untouched by the day. On the good mornings he doesn’t even know I am there and I can listen to him sleep and think about how much I love him and how lucky I am.

Today was a good morning.

dissatisfaction without real reason

I’m struggling with the blog world. Everyone in blog land seems to have really creative, dynamic, passion driven careers.

I do not have that kind of job.

So not. My job is in the construction biz; not a lot of creativity when it comes to paving a highway, you pretty much have to do exactly what the government demands. Also my work task are the same every week – like exactly the same on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday (Friday is kind of a freebie as far as assigned tasks). I’m feeling jealous, really jealous and like I’m stuck in a box, a boring, grey colored, office shaped box. So all you bloggers out there doing exactly what you want and creating beautiful things and expressing yourself and getting satisfaction out of your job - I have a real love/hate relationship with your posts about work. I have become more aware of my dissatisfaction with my job after reading about other people’s’ work.

Do I have other beef with my job? No. I get paid decently (enough to live on and have some change jingling in my pocketa). I have insanely awesome benefits, including dental and vision and my retirement savings is shaping up to be a point of joy for me. Also we get medical flex. I get 2.5 weeks of paid vacations and 9 paid holidays a year. We get random boxes of farm fresh meat (beef & pork. what a random benefit right?), boxes of apples, college football tickets, and an ice cream cake of our choosing on our birthday. I work for a very fair employer who appreciates his employees. I feel lucky to have a found a job where they get me. I fit here. I’m proud of the work our company does. I mean we build roads, what about that is not shirt-button-popping, economy boosting, making something out of nothing, American pride?

Yet I’m unsatisfied. I wish I could be more creative. I wish I LOVED my job; I LOVE the benefits and the money but I do not LOVE my job, I appreciate it – it makes the rest of my life possible.

Am I alone here? Do most of you LOVE your jobs? When I read all these crafty, creative blogs and their owners are own-your-business types I start to get the feeling that the whole world is doing exactly what they love. The other thing is, I’m not really creative or crafty or designy or any of that good stuff. I majored in English Literature because I loved reading and analyzing books – turns out that’s not really a thing in the real world, at least not a thing with health benefits.

My sister and I have investigated the idea of becoming Private Investigators (seriously), turns out those jobs usually go to ex cops. So then I looked at becoming a cop – Collin put the ki-bosh on that. Something about not wanting his wife to get shot by a meth-head. So protective. I’m telling you this in the hopes you will recognize my angst. I’m researching becoming a cop??? How did I get here? The cop phase has passed.