Remember when I was being all whiney and “I don’t fit anywhere; I’m in a crack“? Well I recently tried to glue that crack together. I was going to jam it together and glue with the magic of a Halloween party. Great idea right? Totally. I’m a genius. Parties solve all kinds of problems. So I started planning and I made my sister start planning and I got excited.
Then I went away for the weekend and came home and Collin admitted that he didn’t want to have a party. His point was that of the 800-ish square feet our house has for use, only about 400 hundred is really available for partying at this point. (We have a room dubbed the “pink room” because it has pink walls. It is basically an indoor dump for things we don’t know what to do with or don’t have space for but can’t bear to part with. It’s super classy and a complete waste of space – especially if you are trying to force a party). So my logical husband pointed out a party without spaces to sit or really do anything might not be conducive to partying. In an unsettling familiar scenario I had to un-invite the few people who already knew about it. (I’m afraid we are going to be known as the “un-invitors. First our wedding, now a Halloween party.) Luckily I didn’t tell too many people; I could sense Collin’s hesitation.
After we canceled it I was pretty sad. Not because we canceled it but because I was trying so hard, I was desperate to make a space for us in the social realm. We didn’t get invited to the Halloween party we usually go to. I understand the not being invited; it is a party thrown by a friend of a friend’s family. But we usually go, but this year no party and it makes me sad. I desperately want things to be exactly the same as they were before we got married; but they are not. Things are different, they are. Our familiar acquaintances, and even some of our closer friends view us as significantly changed because we are married; I’m afraid the perception is: married = automatically not fun. And frankly I’m too freakin’ tired to do the work of proving that we are fun. If I want to have fun I will, but I’m not going to go out of my way to act ridiculously fun to prove that married people are fun too.
So here is my take away: there is nothing wrong with building a space for your new baby family to fit into your chosen social realm. But it goes crazy wrong when you do it out of desperation; plus it makes you feel like a total loser. Maybe we won’t get rip-roaring drunk this Halloween, maybe we won’t even dress up – would it be depressing or funny to both get dressed up and then just stay home together? Part of my journey as a newlywed is accepting things have changed and figuring out how to navigate other people’s’ expectations of married folks.
As a bonus for you because you listened to my long diatribe, here is a picture of us from last Halloween. We were Amish for Halloween. You’re welcome!