Remember when I was being all whiney and “I don’t fit anywhere; I’m in a crack“? Well I recently tried to glue that crack together. I was going to jam it together and glue with the magic of a Halloween party. Great idea right? Totally. I’m a genius. Parties solve all kinds of problems. So I started planning and I made my sister start planning and I got excited.
Then I went away for the weekend and came home and Collin admitted that he didn’t want to have a party. His point was that of the 800-ish square feet our house has for use, only about 400 hundred is really available for partying at this point. (We have a room dubbed the “pink room” because it has pink walls. It is basically an indoor dump for things we don’t know what to do with or don’t have space for but can’t bear to part with. It’s super classy and a complete waste of space – especially if you are trying to force a party). So my logical husband pointed out a party without spaces to sit or really do anything might not be conducive to partying. In an unsettling familiar scenario I had to un-invite the few people who already knew about it. (I’m afraid we are going to be known as the “un-invitors. First our wedding, now a Halloween party.) Luckily I didn’t tell too many people; I could sense Collin’s hesitation.
After we canceled it I was pretty sad. Not because we canceled it but because I was trying so hard, I was desperate to make a space for us in the social realm. We didn’t get invited to the Halloween party we usually go to. I understand the not being invited; it is a party thrown by a friend of a friend’s family. But we usually go, but this year no party and it makes me sad. I desperately want things to be exactly the same as they were before we got married; but they are not. Things are different, they are. Our familiar acquaintances, and even some of our closer friends view us as significantly changed because we are married; I’m afraid the perception is: married = automatically not fun. And frankly I’m too freakin’ tired to do the work of proving that we are fun. If I want to have fun I will, but I’m not going to go out of my way to act ridiculously fun to prove that married people are fun too.
So here is my take away: there is nothing wrong with building a space for your new baby family to fit into your chosen social realm. But it goes crazy wrong when you do it out of desperation; plus it makes you feel like a total loser. Maybe we won’t get rip-roaring drunk this Halloween, maybe we won’t even dress up – would it be depressing or funny to both get dressed up and then just stay home together? Part of my journey as a newlywed is accepting things have changed and figuring out how to navigate other people’s’ expectations of married folks.
As a bonus for you because you listened to my long diatribe, here is a picture of us from last Halloween. We were Amish for Halloween. You’re welcome!
- seriously. how do you not want to party with us?
You guys should head out to a bar, there will probably be good people watching and that will be something to do! And I didn’t respond to your other post but I have had some experience in making all new friends, when I moved to AZ over three years ago I didn’t know anyone except Chris. I found a women’s bookclub through meetup.com and those girls have become my good friends! We get together once per month and so it took us awhile to get close but just about everyone else was also fairly new to the area and ALSO just looking for girl friends. Now we also get together for happy hours, etc. If you don’t see a group that interests you on meetup.com you should start your own. I would also just offer that it just takes time. I met several people who were completely nice but we just didn’t “click” before I met my really good friends here.
I planned a girls night when Forrest was gone and no one came. I tried to play it off but really? I was heartbroken. I felt like the little kid where no one came to their birthday party. So I opened a bottle of wine and pigged out on the hors d’oeuvres I made. Oops.
I understand why you canceled your party this year. It’s hard to do when your house is sort of in disarray. But what I decided about my failed party is that you shouldn’t feel bad that you tried to do something. And for you, moreover, that you tried to do something fun as a couple with/for other people. That it didn’t work out? That’s life.
P.S. Apparently there’s a costume party in one of the bars in town on Saturday (not Halloween but more conducive to drinking/fun having)…you guys could get dressed up and go out with us. Plus, it’d give you a night away from projects…which is always good. When we all feel old and married (or almost married on our case) we can go back and sit by a campfire…Darby’s welcome to come too.
Guest bedroom is all clean and ready for friends.
I LOVE THE PIC! Sometimes life is just like.. sucky right? When you are married things do change but your personalities usually stay the same, so if they thought you were a hoot before, they should really like you now because you have been able to hone in on your sarcasim and jokes with one person before you put it on display for others!
Hope you have a great Halloween weekend. BOO! (did I scare you, sorry) 
Well when we got married, even my husband and I sensed some of the hesitance around our friends. I think the whole thing revolves around the perception that once you are married, you have become ‘serious’. So we are no longer ‘cool’ people to invite. My husband was more affected than me(he would never admit to this but!!). But after some time, it kind of ‘stabilize’ . and sometimes it happens even we are no longer interested in those parties!!!!